Vampires shouldn’t sparkle

Let me start by saying that yes, I have read Twilight. In fact, I have read every book in the Twilight series. And no, they weren’t that bad (except New Moon, which was incredibly slow and angsty). It was a nice diversion while I was waiting for Deathly Hallows, and my girlfriend wanted me to read them. While it is fun to make fun of Twilight (as it is with any book series), I do not think that Twilight is the bane of popular culture like some people.

That being said, I don’t condone the further emasculation of vampires. Every author that takes on the mythological creatures has the right to offer a new interpretation of their powers, weaknesses, etc. But seriously: we don’t come out in the daytime because we sparkle? Not burst into flames? Not bleed from their eyeballs? Not shoot steam from their pores emitting the screams of a thousand immortal demons? No. They sparkle. As in “whoops, I spilled too much glitter while I was scrapbooking pictures of me and my bffs.”

Vampires are supposed to be BADASS, and I think this little detail is more damning than any Edward Cullen girlie-man moment. Superhuman speed, enormous strength, venom for blood: good. Sparkling: wimpy.

I drew this cartoon early in the first semester, while I was still using Photoshop. I was making fun of the extreme proliferation of vampires in the media in recent years, but in truth I don’t really mind. Vampires are cool (when they don’t sparkle).

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